I could climb Everest. It’s a simple statement representing a magnitude of an idea, but I feel that I could. I mean, I’ve climbed the Franz Josef glacier (ok, half of it), how much different can Everest be?
Obviously I’m joking…maybe….but I do count hiking fr 5 hours up the glacier as one of my greatest accomplishments to date. Ok, Ok, so this may be somewhat of an exaggeration. Sure, it’s not exactly a cure for cancer or stupidity. And yes, I’ve jumped off 100ft gorges and out of planes. Heck, I’ve even trusted a kiwi to drive me the whole way through Africa. But this was a hill. I don’t like hills. An it wasn’t just any hill, it was a very slippery one. But I’m British, therefore I’m brave. We laugh in the face of danger and hills. After tackling the underground at rush hour and Wimbledon during the tennis, anything is achievable.
Decked out in enough gear to get me through a severe thunderstorm (trust me, I found this out!) and mittens (an item of clothing that never fails to make me feel 5 years old), and after a 2 click walk through a river, we stood at the base of the Franz Josef Glacier. Dum Dum DUUUM!
After putting on my clampons (spikes for those of you without the lingo), I stared up at the wall of ice ahead of me, mesmerised. It wasn’t just the shimmering bluey-white ice or natural (little) waterfalls cutting shapes through the ice that captivated me. Instead, it was the sheer mountain of ice hiding in the depths of a rain-forest that did it. How very, very random. In rain-forest, what do you expect to find? Tropical animals. Lush green trees. Array of birds. Not giant mounds of ice. Yet, here I was standing in front of one ready to climb. Bring it on!
Up the ‘naturally’ (hmm…) formed ice steps we clambered, occasionally stopping to allow 
our guide, Greg, to beat a path with his ice pick. It was at this moment that I giggled. My glacier buddy, Rich, (a friendship so formed as we were the only people still in the spring of youth!) gave me a questioning look.
“Ever played Lemmings?” I asked.
Slowly, he nodded his head, a knowing smile beginning to form.
“Doesn’t this single file marching following a path created by an ice pick so that you don’t die remind you of the game?”
He joined me in the chuckling. Those of you who have played the game will understand.
As we trudged higher and higher, further and further up the glacier, a new world began to surround us. Gone was the kiwi land with its road blocking sheep, tree blanketed mountains and horrific ‘you’re going to die’ road signs. We were now trespassing in a world fit for a Snow Queen. Very grand. Very white. Very cold. Very Narnia. We walked, lemming style naturally, through caverns and corridors of ice; over mounds and under bridges. All ice. all very impressing. At times you could see, hear and fell the rushing water moving beneath your feet. I resisted the urge to shout, “Hey! Look! I”m walking on water!” Very bad joke and I’m glad I avoided it.
It was after about 2 hours on the ice that the steady droplets of rain became heavier. Thunder and lightening clapped above our heads but still we kept moving. Upon our descent, lead Lemming perhaps realised his mistake. The glacier, under the rainfall, had become one big giant waterfall. A waterfall that we now had to climb down. Where was my stunt double when I needed her?
So the dangerous descent began. Slowly, carefully and singing ‘The Sun will come out tomorrow’ (at least I was!), we following lead Lemming. Progress was impressive until a Lemming stepped off the path and fell down a hole. The man became a human plug. Thankfully, despite the screaming from wifey that suggested otherwise, he was fine. A couple of cuts on his knees and shins, but otherwise stupid Lemming was suffering from just bruised pride. A shining example of older not necessarily being wiser.
Once we reached the bottom, after putting blind faith in the fact that whilst we couldn’t 
see the steps under the rushing water they ‘might still be there’ (direct quote for lead Lemming), we began over 2 click trek back to the car park. It was a walk made sufficiently harder due tot he sheer violence of the once placid river, but we survived to tell the tale. Even stupid Lemming managed to stay in touch.
I now return to where I started….I could climb Everest. Just watch this space.
